Tag Archive for: psychotherapist rimini

Self-esteem by the pound! Advice to achieve it

Self-esteem can be reached by everyone, let’s find out together what is the winning strategy to achieve it. Regardless of the problem that leads people to turn to me, the first requests that are made of me are:

“Yes, I would like to solve my difficulty (phobia, relational problem, overcoming a bereavement …), but first help me to increase my self-esteem”.

“Before solving his problem, we need to raise my son’s self-esteem”.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, self-esteem is not a gift to be wrapped and given to the person concerned, everyone must build it independently.

With brief strategic therapy, the person immediately gets involved in overcoming their limits, that is, the problems that led them to ask for help. In fact, indications are given to be put into practice between sessions. It is precisely by putting oneself on the line and overcoming his/her/their own difficulties that he will win twice, via the disturbance and via a welcome increase in self-esteem.

Of course, sometimes it is the only request that is asked of me, but even in this case it is possible to identify challenges to be overcome, which the person is avoiding engaging in fear or had not identified as necessary. In any case, if the fight is done in person (supported by the therapeutic indications), self-esteem rises.

There are those who have suffered for years insults and devaluations by those who instead should have supported them, for example the family, in this case it will be necessary to work both on the past, to ensure that the person is emancipated from it, and on the anger that may have generated all this in him/her/them. They are elaborations, sometimes painful, in which the person is an agent, so once he/she/they have reached inner peace, he/she/they can only compliment themselves.

It is necessary to overcome the belief that others can give us self-esteem, here are some reflections in this regard:

  • It is better to ensure that the people we care about put themselves to the test by risking failure (but also success!), rather than preventing any difficulties that may arise. If the person doesn’t do well, he/she/they will have learned how to do better next time.
  • You don’t need to praise someone to boost their self-esteem, they will notice (at any age!) if compliments are just made to make them feel better.
  • It is essential to take the educational responsibility of “arguing”, if necessary, with children, to encourage them to complete the paths they have taken (e.g. sport). When they come to the end, they will be proud of themselves, they will have more confidence in their abilities, they will learn to be more resistant to effort. If at the first difficulty you accept that they surrender without wanting to, you will pass the idea that you also think they would not have succeeded. If you discuss it, you will show that you believe in him/her/they. Obviously, each case is unique and tenacity as an end in itself is not productive; it is a question of listening to understand the reasons for wanting to interrupt, if these are valid, so be it.
  • If those around us want to help us achieve self-esteem, they must support us, not replace us!

Couple – Arguing strategically

In couples’ therapy, you have to pay attention to what type of couple you are dealing with. In some cases, making peace between them could be counterproductive, for some of them quarrels are the “engine”.

The important thing is to argue strategically:

In general, it would be better not to avoid quarrels; the integrity of a couple is threatened more by indifference. In fact, their health can be measured by the number of conflicts faced and resolved. Sometimes you decide not to fight because of a passive resignation, because you don’t feel able to face the situation, or because of the very dangerous tendency to accumulate anger within yourself, and then maybe you end up exploding in a bad way. If there is an elephant in the center of the room, we must talk about it, certainly not ignore it. Indifference works in the short term, but in the long run it is counterproductive.

We should not fear the suffering deriving from quarrels (“suffering has the task of awakening us” – J. Morrison), to make us understand what to change, to make us active and not to take the relationship for granted.

Always arguing about the same thing is unproductive and generates boredom. This can be a wake-up call to contact a professional, especially if the content of the quarrel concerns an important issue, such as mutual respect, sexuality or the education of children.

It is important to focus on the present and not on the past; this can no longer be changed, a time machine would be needed but unfortunately it does not exist… Reviving the past can only be a source of discontent; our memory tells us so many lies, so both of us will even have different memories of the experience and this may generate further problems.

Never fight in the bedroom. This must remain a place dedicated to pleasure and rest; if the fight starts there, force yourself to change rooms. Changing the scenario could also change the dynamics of the quarrel itself, but I don’t anticipate anything … you will find out for yourself.

If we want to get some benefit from a fight it is very important to try not to scream; in every type of “communication” the “way” in which things are said is very important, more than the content. By exacerbating the tones, the other person can withdraw and if this happens it does not matter that what we are saying is true, she will never admit it.

If possible, at the end of an argument, calm down, do something pleasant together. This will create the conditions for the quarrel to be perceived as a more or less positive parenthesis but which does not in itself define the relationship.

“Anything that can do very well, in an overdose, turns into a poison” – Hippocrates

rage away

Rage away…

rage away

Anger can be propulsive or destructive. Let’s see when it helps us and when we have to get help.

Anger as an engine

  • After a first period of despair, a great disappointment of love may have led us to take care of ourselves guided by a spirit of revenge – “He will see me, I will be beautiful and he will eat his hands!”.
  • A professor who did not believe in us may have encouraged us to do more as a challenge, so much so that in the end we reached unthinkable goals, even by ourselves.
  • We may have decided to practice a martial art to learn how to defend ourselves from bullies, then discovering a great passion for this discipline, which will accompany us throughout our life.
  • Finding ourselves in a situation that harmed our self-esteem, because we were not considered, or were morally or physically hurt, we may have decided to leave.

Anger as a limit

  • If we are obsessed with something that did not go our way in the past, and that we perceive as an injustice (a dismissal, a rejection, a bereavement …), so much so that it is difficult for us even just imagine building a future.
  • If we “hate” someone, or something in our present to such an extent that we struggle to think of something else, so much so that we develop psychosomatic disorders, struggle to maintain a socially acceptable attitude (insult, be physically aggressive), bore friends and acquaintances with our complaints.

How to get out

The image most used by brief strategic therapy in case of anger (if this limits the person) is: “Being angry is like drinking poison and hoping our enemy will die”. Too much anger poisons, to overcome it you have to drain it, perhaps by writing it, or by practicing physical activity, not necessarily intense, it is more important that it is regular and if possible, not too short (compatibly with one’s health). It is important to admit it to ourselves in order to manage it, denying it would not help.

Alarm bells (i.e. When to contact an expert)

If you feel that you may “act out” in anger, verbally or physically assaulting someone; or you have already done so.

If loved ones are moving away because they no longer want to listen to your complaints, or you don’t feel understood (they minimize, feed the anger by supporting you too much).

If a context (work, family, sport) seems hostile to you, so much so that you can no longer bear to be there.

If your mind is so enraptured that you can’t focus on anything else (minimum or important goals).